Self Love : Have your own Party of One
a masturbation essay
by Holander
I have been touching myself for as long as I can remember. I had that stuffed animal. I was that kid. Of course, I didn’t know what I was doing. But somehow, I knew what I was doing. I could make myself orgasm. Several times. In a row. It took my nanny telling me to stop for me to only do it in private. She saved me from a lot of uncomfortable parent-teacher conferences most likely.
As I entered late stages of elementary school and middle school, I went through a period where I thought it was a bad thing. I had a lot of shame about it. I remember googling incessantly --finding horror stories about how it’s unhealthy and morally wrong; worrying that I wouldn’t be able to have children if I continued to touch myself. Classic internet. So, I stopped touching myself. For a while. But eventually I got over that. And I was back, baby. Boy, was I back.
I had a boyfriend in high school who I had amazing sex with. He was my first, and I loved sex with him. Just loved it. But, I knew I wasn’t orgasming. And I actually thought there was something wrong with me. I knew how to please myself, but didn’t know how to tell him how to please me. I was 15 at the time, we were all still learning and exploring our bodies but it seems adults aren’t so well-versed either.
Everyone seems to be confused about the ‘female orgasm’. Even people with vaginas are confused about the ‘female orgasm!’ It’s taboo and swept under the rug, and pleasing womxn during sex is not a priority among the majority. It just isn’t. I have never had sex with a guy who has made me cum on the first try, nor has a guy been able to make me cum without me giving him a deep explanation how I cum. I certainly only figured out how to cum during sex by pure accident.
By the same token, there is a stigma around girls masturbating, about girls being able to please themselves. Is it because there is an unsaid understanding that womxn need men in order to be sexually satisfied? Now that is comedy.
I remember when I was first talking openly and candidly with a guy friend, who wasn’t my boyfriend, about masturbating. It was in college. His response was, “girls masturbate?” A 20-year-old guy!
And honestly, I find that womxn also generally don’t talk about it openly. I’m guilty of this too. If we had been talking openly about this, I probably would have figured out how I could cum during sex much more quickly. We’re only hurting ourselves here. ;)
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The morning of the writing session for “Party of One,” I was having sex with my boyfriend at the time. He was on top of me and he said “I’m going to cum, are you going to cum?” and I looked him dead in the eyes, and said “no.” As he was cumming a few seconds later, he said “sorry” in a stuttered voice. It was quite funny. I laughed about it for the whole day. I decided to write a song about how no one can please you better than you can please yourself, and there is something quite beautiful in that.
It’s really such an interesting thing, because 1) it’s totally natural and 2) it’s actually quite a beautifully metaphorical way to give love to yourself. To please yourself. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. Boys certainly are not ashamed to do it. So why should anyone else be?
I touch myself when I’m stressed, horny, when my shorts rub me a certain way, in fact, I did it just now before writing this piece. And I’ll probably do it again later. It helps me feel relaxed, focused, and releases tension. It’s something I do for myself. It’s pure “me” time. A way to love myself. We should never be made to feel ashamed of our bodies.
It’s really quite amazing that our bodies are actually designed so that we are able to please ourselves. We don’t need anybody else. So take advantage of that, whether you’re a femme, trans or non-binary. It’s your party. Others can come if you invite them, but you probably already came.
Xoxo
Holander